Resolution52 – Brian Utley & Jenny Dalton

I remember sitting in classrooms through the years and often times feeling completely in the dark, not having a clue as to what the professor was going on about. One time in particular is burned in my memory. I was taking a class where an entire lecture centered around one word: misogynist. Well, I had no idea what that word meant, (and in my defense it was a class focused on medieval poetry, which, in my mind, is kind of a cruel and inhumane prerequisite. Furthermore, in my humble opinion the only tolerable poetry is the kind set to music, preferably with a drum solo somewhere in there, thank you), and I spent the entire class trying to figure out what in the world this guy was yammering on about, while everyone else seemingly understood with the noddings of the heads and of course that one kid in class who just has to have a ridiculously insightful comment, which I didn’t latch onto as well, which further drove home my ineptitude.  So I sat there in silence, too embarrassed to raise my hand and ask the meaning, wondering if I was completely alone in my academic short comings.

I’d like to say this feeling of inadequacy in comparison with those around me has faded since my younger days, but alas, it is not so.  A good example of this would be my first, and every year after, mothering stint I’ve been involved in. At first, I thought I might collapse under the weight of the pressure.  With the having of a child, a feeling of unavoidable guilt quickly becomes a mainstay feature in the hollows of your soul. Guilt about things I wasn’t doing right, wasn’t doing at all, or was going to do in the future that would inevitable be the ruin of my offspring, and subsequently probably be the downfall of a nation at some point.  I was getting about 1.5 hours of consecutive sleep a day, I was frazzled, rarely showered, and that baby WOULD JUST NOT STOP CRYING! I could do nothing to soothe her and because all the other young mothers around me seemed to have everything together, I was convinced, once again, that I was the one falling short. And that just made it worse.  It wasn’t until years later, when I started really talking to my close friends, that stories of the pressure felt, depression, inadequacy, and the feeling that they alone were the ones not keeping up, not daring to admit they were struggling for fear of appearing weak, began to emerge.  And I couldn’t help but wonder, if we had all just admitted years before that our problems and fears existed, would we have been comforted? Would we have been shored up knowing we were not alone, that we were in good company in our inadequacies?

The memory of those times and many others through my life came flooding back while reading Jeffery Eugenides novel, The Marriage Plot.  The book follows the lives of three college graduates, immersed in a love triangle as they embark into the world trying to find themselves and the path they are destined for as they deal with all sorts of unexpected and most times ill prepared for events of love, mental illness, friendship, marriage, and religion.  Tolerance, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness weave through this tale as the characters find the strength to sacrifice for each other and in the end, sacrifice for themselves. I couldn’t help but wonder while reading this book, if the characters had shared their weaknesses, and trusted others with their flaws, would things have turned out differently? Would their lives have met less resistance and despair with the relief and support that can come with voicing our fears and our perceived shortcomings, while being honest about who we are as individuals?

I guess my thought is this: If we raise our hands and admit that we really don’t know everything, that we are not perfect, that we are struggling and we aren’t quite sure if the decisions we make and have made are the right ones, will it be worth it, if only maybe for that one other person in the world who sighs and is relieved that they are not the only one? Well, I’d like to think so.

2012, Book Thoughts, Jenny Dalton Jeffrey Eugenides, Jenny Dalton, The Marriage Plot